I just realized that I have never really shared my story of when my eating disorder developed, so here it goes…
Like so many people, my intentions started out as innocent. I wanted to lose some weight and be healthy, but mostly lose weight. I would have never dreamed it would become what it turned into. I knew my mom had struggled with an eating disorder when she was younger, but I never thought that I would, especially as an adult. Now that I look back there were signs, and I am kind of surprised it didn’t surface before it did.
In 2014, I was twenty-four, finishing up my first year of teaching first grade, and my husband and I celebrated our one year anniversary. I was about to start my Master’s degree. I think I was having a lot of difficulty adjusting to all the new things in my life. In the spring, I started running and restricting calories, and it only got worse from there. I became obsessed with weighing food, counting calories, only eating healthy foods, working out, and appearances. I isolated myself as much as I could. I finally ended up getting some help a couple of years after it all started. I even managed to gain some weight on my own right before I got help, but I was in a horrible place mentally. A good reminder that it isn’t just about the weight and you can be sick at any weight.
No one really knew just how much I was struggling until my body started to show signs. I knew I was struggling long before that, but I insisted it was just to be healthy. I was pursuing perfection in all areas of my life, and I didn’t talk to anyone about things that were bothering me because I had to appear like I had it all together. The fear of not being good enough was always on my mind and the need to control everything was controlling me.
Fast forward to 2019, I still struggle sometimes. I am no where close to where I was though, and that place seems distant to me now. Recovery is something that has taken longer than I thought, and I have had to choose it over and over again. If you know you are struggling, I would encourage you to be honest with yourself and get help if you can… the earlier the better. Don’t wait until you dig yourself deeper and the grips of the eating disorder are stronger. Don’t wait until you reach your goal weight or wait until you are sick enough. You are sick enough. Get help now, if at all possible.