I went to Colorado and stayed in a cabin with my family. Vacations always seem like a fun idea… but then it comes time to actually travel and the anxiety sets in. I always feel like I am the only one that gets that way, but I know there are others out there. Traveling is fun, but it is also difficult. My anxiety intensifies with the decrease in control I perceive I have.
It was difficult to share my space. I have been married to my husband for five years now, and I am used to roaming freely about our house and controlling the day. We shared the cabin with four adults and two little boys so this was completely different for me. They are family so it made it a little better, but it was still uncomfortable for me.
Not having control of what and when we would eat bothered me. I tried to prepare myself before we left and go into it with the mentality to be alright with whatever we ate, and I thought I did a pretty good job. I ate things that weren’t as nutritious. I ate past fullness sometimes. I ate more because I didn’t know when we would eat next. I can’t stand that feeling of being extremely hungry.
In the past, I had to run and do strength work on vacation whether I wanted to or not. I didn’t run, but I did walk a lot, and I practiced yoga every morning for at least 45 minutes. I never made it to a studio. The appeal wasn’t there for the ones that were somewhat close and a way to get there was kind of difficult since we rode with family. I accepted it and enjoyed the movement that I did.
Traveling is Worth It
I am happy we went, and I know it was good for me to be forced to let go of some of that control. I did have fun, and the scenery was so beautiful. I think it was worth the fear and anxiety I get about traveling. I have lots of memories, and it was not all about food and exercise even though there were still thoughts.
Looking at Pictures
I was looking at pictures the day before we left, and I cried a little. I thought my legs looked huge. I started to have thoughts of restriction and exercising a lot when I got home which I know is not what I am supposed to do. I started to feel guilty for talking about body acceptance and giving advice on how to look at pictures because here I was picking my pictures apart. One thing I have discovered is that it happens to so many women no matter where they are in their self acceptance journey though. The courage of women talking about it helps me to move past that guilt.
I still had trouble with the urge to restrict though. When we returned home, it was my birthday and few more not so nutritious foods. I know what I was supposed to do the next day. I knew I needed to try to move on and continue to work at intuitive eating and not start restricting. Well the next day, I started restricting amounts and “bad” foods, and it carried into the next day. I know restrictions lead to binging and that is exactly where it led me. I never say these things for people to feel sorry for me. I say them so that those who struggle with this can relate. I say this to bring awareness. I don’t like to admit that I struggle, and it is scary for me every single time. I want to say I have been doing alright with workouts and going to do things that I want without overdoing it.
The struggle to show myself compassion has been real, but that is what I am going to continue to work at. I keep telling myself I am stronger than I think I am, and I CAN show myself love instead of hate. I WILL continue to work at intuitive eating. This can be a little hiccup and not a big rut.
Be Kind Always
If you have seen me out and about the past couple of days or looked at my social media feed, I am guessing most would never know the fight going on inside my head. There are so many people that appear to be fine but are dealing their own struggles. That is why it is so important to always be kind and try to get rid of assumptions and judgements. We never know what people are going through.